My Life, As Of Late

Fact: Sharon has been having a very bad past couple of weeks.
Fiction: Sharon has dealt with it in healthy ways
Fact: Sharon considers herself a Christ follower
Fiction: That means she thinks her sexuality and her religion clash
Fact: Sharon ran into someone who tried to "fix" her.
Fiction: It worked
Fact: Sharon feels she was alienated from her church, and basically driven out by her pastor.
Fiction: She doesn't hold this against him.
Fact: Sharon's life was ripped apart by someone claiming to be "doing what is best for her in the eyes of God"
Fiction: God would approve of this person's actions

FACT: I identify as pansexual [basically bisexual, but also includes people who are trans or bigendered, etc] and I have a wonderful relationship with another girl at Stoga [its going on 4 months]
FACT: I believe Christ Jesus
FACT: My pastor found out about my orientation
FICTION: My pastor accepted me and loved me anyway.


I used to attend Grave Valley Fellowship at the Christian Conference Center in Valley Forge. Before we were called GVF, we were Living Oaks Community, a break off of Church Of The Savior. I've been a part of the congregation since I was about 3 years old. I've helped with the PowerPoint [instead of hymnals, we used PP to project everything from videos and song lyrics to missions slides and sermon notes] since I was about 10, alongside a man I consider my Godfather, an "Uncle Nick".
About 6 years ago, the church moved from meeting in the Delaware Valley Friends School, to its current location at the conference center. This is also when we got a new name and a new pastor. I also started to run the power point service on my own then. Instead of having Nick shadow over me, he would often be a Sunday School teacher, leaving me to do the job alone.
Then, about 3 years ago, Pastor Scott left us, and we brought in a new Pastor. "Pastor Dave." Around this time my parents stopped attending regularly and Nick proceeded to be my only way to get to church, so he would drive me. Since I was there early anyway, and since I had grown proficient in the work, I completely took over the PowerPoint service then, both making and projecting the slides each Sunday.
About a month ago, I first started bringing my girlfriend, April, to GVF with me. We'd sit in the back, with Nick, while I did slides. She hadn't really grown up in the church, and did not consider herself Christian, though her mom was, and she was overjoyed that her daughter was attending services.
Maybe the 2nd or 3rd time April visited GVF with me, we were both having a bit of a bad day, so I held her hand at one point, and rubbed her back. It was nothing but a friendly gesture, no one was making out, we weren't making a statement, I was just consoling her, nothing I wouldn't do to any other friend of mine.
That Monday, I received an email from Pastor Dave:

"Hi Sharon, I’m a little confused about something. Maybe you can help me. Someone in the congregation who cares about you noticed you holding hands with April on Sunday. That person later went to your Facebook and read what you say there about being bisexual/lesbian. I’m not judging you. I just think we need to talk. Could you suggest a time when you could stop by the church office? Thanks. Pastor Dave "

To put it lightly, I FREAKED.
I'm not out to my parents, and I certainly didn't want some Pastor that I hardly knew that well digging around in my personal life. So I kinda stopped functioning. I became an emotional wreck, and I started getting a lot of frequent flyer miles with Mrs.Dunleavy [the school psychologist].

I sent him a short, sweet reply:

"Just wanted to say that I received your email, and that I am looking forward to talking to you Sunday."

Not that I was looking forward to talking with him, cause I could already tell where he was coming from. He was the concerned Christian, and I was the sinner whose "eternal soul was in peril".
Well, he wasn't gonna leave it till Sunday, as I had clearly stated was my wish. For this was his reply email:

"Sharon,
Thanks for getting back to me. We need to carve out some time to sit down and talk. Sunday morning is a tough time for me to do that. I suspect it is for you too. Let’s try to get together before then, if possible. I don’t know if your parents are aware of your relationship with April or not, but we need to have either your parents or another woman from the church join us—whichever you feel more comfortable with. At the very least, your parents should know what’s going on and give their permission for us to meet and talk about this. How does that sound to you?
Is there another woman in the church that you’d like to join us? I know [I'm not putting other names in, lets call her Woman 1] would join us if we could meet before they leave for the youth retreat tomorrow at 4:00. Otherwise, I can ask another mature, trustworthy woman in the church to join us.
This is important stuff. Would you get back with me on this as soon as possible? If we have to carve out time on Sunday before or after the service, I’m willing to do that. Until we have a chance to sort things out, I’ve asked Nick to handle the PowerPoint, so you won’t have to worry about that. He’s going to use his computer this Sunday. Just bring the church’s computer when you come.
Also, I spoke with [woman 2] about giving you a ride this Sunday. She’s willing to do that. You’ll just need to confirm with her what time you need her to pick you up. (Remember to set your clock forward Saturday night. Perhaps you won’t need to come as early though, since you don’t have to run the PowerPoint.). [Woman 2's] number is (###) ###- ####. Looking forward to talking further. Pastor Dave"

WELL WTF! Not only had he already jumped to conclusions, he was on the "lets get your parents involved" path. Well, NO NO NO NO NO! And look, there's more! He asked someone who I've known since I was 3, and who has the relationship of a Godfather, an uncle, to me, to stop driving me! He completely cut me off from the one man who is my "family" at that church. What else? Look whose not doing the PowerPoint anymore.. ME! I guess he thought I was gonna add lesbian porn or something to it and corrupt everyone! [Though, I'd been running the PowerPoint since before he was a member of the church, if I was gonna put lesbian porn on it, I would have already done so]
Well, this sent me off the deep end again. I was back in Dunleavy's office, having panic attacks and insomnia.

But finally Sunday rolled around and we "talked". Which meant I had to fight to get people that I wanted in on the conversation, in his office. It ended up being [on my side:] April, April's Mother, and myself and [on his side:] Pastor Dave and a lady at our church who had been a minister while she was in England. Neutral to both sides, was my college friend Miranda.

And so the conversation ensued: Him asking how I felt that my religion and my so called orientation didn't clash. Me telling him what I believe, which boils down to GOD IS LOVE! AND LOVE IS LOVE. And that I don't believe for one second that God will condemn me for LOVE, which He puts as His greatest commandment. And Pastor Dave telling me "yeah, that's nice, whatever, YOU'RE WRONG!" [He didn't come out and say it, but his need to "fix" me, basically shows that].
And so Pastor Dave decided that we needed to go over the scriptures and see what God said about the matter.
2 problems
1. Same sex relationships are not really listed in the Bible, what it talks about as a sin is the LUST of some of the homosexual prostitutes. [The Bible was all for making babies, cause the population back then.... well, there wasn't one!]
2. He wasn't gonna change me, he couldn't. I love April, nothing he could do or say wouldn't ever be able to touch that.

Of course there was a "followup email":

"Sharon,
I'm glad we had a chance to talk today. I appreciate your willingness to share with me (and [Woman who was a minister at her church in England]) some of your thoughts about your relationship with April. I know that wasn't easy.
As I tried to convey in our meeting, by challenging the compatibility of your choices with God's revealed will (in the Bible) I do not mean to condemn you or devalue you in any way. In fact, the opposite is true: I felt compelled to speak up out of concern for you. If your relationship with April is outside God's good plan for you (as I believe it is, based on the Scripture), then you're forfeiting God's best for you. I can't stand by and watch you do that without at least saying something.
If you're still open to exploring what the Bible says about this, I'd like to suggest a way forward. I understand that you're reluctant to share with your parents what's going on for fear of their reaction. What if I met with them to break the news, while at the same time offering some practical help for how to open a channel for respectful communication on this subject. I'm not saying it will be easy, but approaching it this way might be a constructive way to buffer their initial reaction. In any case, I don't think it wise to discuss an issue as significant as this without your parents' knowledge.
I'd also like to suggest you meet with a mature Christian woman in our church (I can offer a suggestion or two here) to continue the discussion. (Another option, of course, would be to see a female Christian counselor if finances would permit. If you like, we can have someone help you with this.)
Sharon, would you give this prayerful consideration and get back with me regarding whether you'd like to proceed with my suggestion(s)?
Thanks.
I'm praying for you.
Pastor Dave"

At this point, I was getting ticked off. He was taking it too far, way too far.

"Pastor Dave, Though I appreciate your concern, my relationship with my parents, and what I choose to tell them, is private. I would appreciate it if you would respect my wishes concerning this, and to allow me to choose the level of involvement I would wish for my parents to have. As for your idea of reviewing the Scriptures, I am more than willing to oblige. I would just like to state outright that any plans you may have to change how I feel about my orientation or my feelings for April will not be affected by this. I do not feel the need for full out counseling in this matter, because I am comfortable with who I am, and what I believe.-Sharon"

Well, he wasn't about to let that be the end of it.

"Sharon, Let me assure you that my goal in this matter is simply to help you enjoy God’s fullest blessing on your life. Is that your goal too? Understanding how he’s made you is a crucial part of enjoying his blessing. I’m glad you’re willing to review the Scriptures. I think you might be surprised at what you find.
May I suggest a website you might find interesting? It’s http://www.exodus.to/. I hope you’ll check it out. BTW: I think it best to let someone else (i.e. Nick for starters) run PowerPoint on Sunday mornings until we can sort things out. Could you return the computer to Nick on Sunday? Thanks. More later… Pastor Dave"

2 notes on his email:
1. The website he gave me is sick "Freedom From Homosexuality Through Christ Jesus". Though one of its founders later cursed the site and lived out the rest of his life with his partner. A point I kinda liked. But other than that it was one of those "we can fix you, ex gay sites"
2. HE COMPLETELY ALIENATES ME RIGHT THERE. I don't get along with the youth at GVF, I've never been part of Youth Group. My friends at that church are a couple college students, an older lady in her 60's, and Nick. My niche at church: running the PowerPoint. well.. PPOOOOFFF that was gone.

At this point, I was in "LETS KILL THE GUY" mode. Thankfully though, I have friends who don't wanna see me behind bars. "He's not worth it" they told me. And they were right.

So April and I and a group of my friends [collectively we call ourselves "the CLITS"] went to church this past Palm Sunday and left this note on Pastor Dave's desk before the service, and walked out. I'm NEVER returning to GVF, so GOODBYE AND SO LONG!

"Pastor Dave-
Thank you for taking the time to read this note. I'm sorry we didn't get to speak in person. I find it disconcerting that you instructed Nick to refrain from bringing me to church. I've been running the PowerPoint at GVF since before you were a member of this church.
Therefore, your decision / attempt to alienate me from the congregation has left me no choice but to distance myself from this community until such time as your message of intolerance is reformed.
I've grown to feel unwelcome in the past few weeks. You [the church] claim to be a haven of acceptance, but your discriminatory attitude contradicts this statement.
I hope the true nature of God's love finds you before you turn anyone else away.
-Sharon (& April, Bryce, Liz)"

It was our version of the 95 Thesis. It wasn't nailed to the church door, and it wasn't quite as long, but I think we conveyed our point just as well as Luther did. But alas, Pastor Dave was determined to have the last say.

"Sharon,
I got your hand-written note on Sunday. It seems you’ve misunderstood me. I hope I can clear up those misunderstandings between us.
Let me assure you, first of all, that I have respected your wishes not to tell your parents about your lesbian lifestyle. I have not told Nick either. What I have told him is that we’re working through some sensitive issues but that I didn’t feel at liberty to discuss them. (I do think you should consider sharing what’s happening with Nick; I’m sure he must be wondering what’s going on).
The reason I told Nick I didn’t think it was a good idea for him to be the one to give you a ride to church had nothing to do with trying to alienate you from the congregation (as your note suggests). For that matter, my suggestion to Nick had nothing at all to do with your lifestyle. Rather, I don’t think it’s wise for any Christian man to be spending time alone with a young lady who’s legally considered to be a minor—not because I think anything inappropriate is going on but because it could cast a shadow over the integrity of one or both of those individuals. I realize you may not agree with my reasoning on this and that’s OK. I just wanted you to know why I said what I did to Nick. It was in no way intended to alienate you from anyone. In fact, before I spoke to Nick I called [woman 2] (whom I know has given you a ride before) to ask if she would be willing to bring you to church. She said she would. As I mentioned in my earlier email, you just have to call her to confirm a time to be picked up.
On the other hand, my decision to give you a break from running the PowerPoint on Sunday mornings is directly related to your interaction with April during the Sunday service, which as we discussed, was a distraction to other worshipers. Until we can reach an understanding on this, I can’t let you serve in this way if it means others will be distracted from connecting with God on Sunday morning. I hear you saying everyone should accept you the way you are, but frankly, I’m not sure you’ve acknowledged how your public displays of affection negatively impacted others around you. As Miranda shared in our meeting, this is more about being considerate of those around you than it is about your sexual orientation.
I’m sorry you’ve felt unwelcome at church the past few weeks. You and April are quite welcome to participate in our Sunday services (I hope you will), providing…
1. You’re willing to respect other worshipers (that means no public display of affection or other distracting behaviors).
2. You’re willing to honestly examine what the Scriptures say about your lifestyle and seek to let God conform you to his design (understanding that we all stumble in many ways).
Sharon, I know you may have experienced mean and hateful responses to your choices elsewhere, but that’s now what’s happening here. I think you’ve known me and our congregation long enough to know that we practice grace. We do our best in God’s strength to love each other as Christ taught us. The resistance you’re getting from me and other Christian friends who care about you is not a lack of acceptance. Quite the opposite. Our resistance is motivated by Christian love—a love that desires to see you basking in all that God created you to be. God loves all of us just the way we are… but he loves us too much to leave us that way. Christ meets us where we are, but the whole point of following him is to be transformed. That means change. We want Christ to strip away whatever is not part of his good plan for us and make us new. Are you willing to let him do that in your life?
Pastor Dave"

Did anyone notice a nice little Freudian slip? So did I...

I do like the fact that April and I are distracting, as we sit in the back row and do nothing but hold hands. Yet heterosexual couples are allowed to hug and embrace and even kiss at the church... maybe I find that a little distracting...
Also, his reason for having Nick stop driving me is total BS. The guy has known that Nick drives me, alone, every Sunday, and has done so since before he was a member of GVF. It was never a problem until Pastor Dave had a problem with me..

"Sharon,
I just realized after I sent my earlier email that I made a typographical error. I think the auto-correct feature tried to correct it for me but it made me say the opposite of what I intended!
Near the end, it says, “Sharon, I know you may have experienced mean and hateful responses to your choices elsewhere, but that’s now what’s happening here.” It should read, Sharon, I know you may have experienced mean and hateful responses to your choices elsewhere, but that’s NOT what’s happening here.”
My point was that we’re not trying to be mean toward you. So sorry about the confusion. I wanted to be sure that got corrected!
Pastor Dave "

So, that's the end. I left, and I refuse to childishly battle it out with him. He's not changing his stance, and I am sure not changing mine.
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I wanna take this time to thank Christ for what he has given me: SOMEONE TO LOVE. The Bible states over and over again about how God intended for people to live in fellowship with one another. How romantic relationships are important. That is why Adam got Eve, as a help-mate. If the matter of population hadn't been an issue, I often wonder if Adam would have gotten Steve instead.
Thank you April, for being my help-mate. I LOVE YOU.

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As this issue was happening I also posted bits and pieces of it at POST SECRET COMMUNITY.
Here is a link to it, I entitled it "The Only Email In My Inbox"